Conflicts…what are they? Disagreements, small or large, over values, perception, ideas, desires, between mother-in-laws ddaughterin-laws, girlfriend boyfriend, mother daughter, colleagues etc. The reason why I am writing this blog is, I do keep noticing how even educated people(90%) fail at conflict resolution techniques.
So, are conflicts normal in a relationship? I think yeah, they are a fact of life. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything all the time. Infact, I personally get bored with people (especially guys ;)) when they keep saying “ditto” to everything I say.
But, are conflicts healthy or unhealthy? Depends on how the conflict is managed, if it is mismanaged the relationship would go bitter, on the other hand if it is managed properly it could strengthen the bond between two people. I too have gone through both managed and mismanaged conflicts and trust me, I sit and laugh about them now. You not only need a good IQ but a good EQ as well to resolve conflicts properly.
And can conflicts be avoided? Yes, a lot of times if it is over a trivial matter but you cannot run away from conflicts, some other time, some other place you would have to deal with conflicts. So better learn how to deal them right away without increasing your blood pressure. Lol, only if I had a magic wand which would make people think straight and rationally, but I don’t, though I keep praying to gods of all religions..they never listen to me 😛
Now how do you manage conflicts properly…let me list a few ideas which have helped me:
1)Conflicts can trigger strong emotions, feelings of hurt, disappointment. For example, you may feel like strangling or slapping the person especially if you are a north Indian(aggressive people they are grrrr). Try to avoid “reacting” as much as you can based on the situation. I know it feels reallyyy good to hit someone back when you are angry. But take
a deep breath, weigh the situation and respond accordingly, you will never regret your actions. I know this is very
difficult but not impossible. Practicing yoga on daily basis can be quite helpful too. I used to be pretty volatile and I have undergone a lot of changes, if I can so can others and you.
2)Don’t convert it into a match, use phrases like “I agree with you”, “You are right” where ever the other person is right. This skill has helped me out quite a lot. Infact, it has helped me in pacifying quite a few cranky corporate big shots and their PA’s 😉
3)Listen to the other person with an open mind, be receptive to what he/she is trying to communicate, keep yourself in his/her shoes. Don’t just keep talking about “your” needs, “your” desires etc.
4)Accept the possibility that you could be going wrong somewhere or you did something wrong too, be a man and say sorry immediately, not everyone ignores mistakes or understands silent apologies.
5)Let the other person speak and vent out feelings as much as possible but if he/she is going round and round for > 15 minutes, the discussion is not going anywhere, intervene, don’t let your energy get drained. Just restate/paraphrase the problem, facts, possible solutions, mend the wrong-doings, negotiate solutions and end it. Be straightforward.
6)A lot of times people fail to understand other’s perspective, if you meet such people don’t waste time in trying to make them understand your perspective for more than 10 minutes, utter waste of time, just walk off.
7)Be realistic about your expectations and what others are expecting from you. Now if you are a business man and you don’t give time to your girlfriend, she will most probably leave you, she is not your mother 😛
Though the only conflict resolution technique which would work with a cranky woman, around the time you know when, is being “silent”, lol. Goes out to all guys 🙂 Yeah, I know it’s cruel but that’s how it is 😀
And if you cannot resolve a conflict, in general and it is harming you way too much, just walk off, nothing is more important than your mental peace and happiness. A person like me would surely like to add a stylish one-liner like
“We agree to disagree then” 😛
-D