During the past one decade, I have witnessed a lot of friends/acquaintances getting married and then getting divorced.
The anonymous confession boards are flooded with confessions from people who are undergoing painful divorces or are on the verge of taking a divorce. The financial repercussions and emotional trauma they go through is tremendous.
I must say all this paints such a grim picture for folks like myself who are just enjoying their spinsterhood in a carefree manner. People question the validity of marriage as an institution in today’s world. I think marriage is still very much valid and not obsolete. Getting married is a beautiful milestone in people’s lives. However, getting married is not everyone’s cup of tea. It is a free world, do not get married if you don’t want to.
Marriage is a like a gamble, it might work or not in the long run, people, their personalities and circumstances change with time but while you are taking the decision to get married, be wise at that time at least. Getting married for the wrong reasons and having misplaced expectations are sometimes precursor to divorces. Having said that there is nothing wrong in getting a divorce, if you are truly unhappy in your marriage, don’t suffer in silence, get a divorce, don’t worry about societal taboo, mental peace is really important.
In this blog however, I want to address the various reasons (right or wrong, depends on the perspective) for which people still force themselves to get married, then they end up being unhappy and eventually divorced.
- Peer pressure/societal norms
Some people are just not made for marriages but they still get married because that is what everyone does and then after a couple of years, they start getting suffocated, lying, cheating and then they eventually get divorced.
Standing up to peer pressure requires some grit in a person’s character. I understand that not everyone has it. But look at it from the perspective that getting married under peer pressure is not like procuring an iPhone which people usually do due to peer pressure. Getting rid of an iPhone is easy but coming out of a marriage is quite traumatic, if it does not work out. Don’t give in, just to get the stamp that you are married.
How do you deal with peer pressure?
Rationalize in your mind, everyone’s life journey is unique and different. Do not compete, it is NOT a competition or a race. You are not a loser if you are still single. I have some friends who consider themselves to be losers/failures because they are still single and it is quite disheartening to see them think like that. I constantly battle with them over this negative line of thinking.
2. Parental pressure
Pressure from parents and relatives is the most difficult one to deal with, as we all know. You can’t shut them off.
Indian parents go to any extend to convince their kids to get married (saying with affection). This is not a criticism, parents love their kids and want to see them settle down, it is but natural for them to get worried if the kid is of ‘marriageable’ age but still single.
What parents don’t understand is that it is the husband and the wife who have to spend their lives together. Parents just want their kids to get the stamp sometimes. The kids have to be wise too, at the end of the day, you have to spend your next 20/30 years with that person you are marrying. Your parents won’t be there to help you deal with it.
How do you respond to parental pressure??
First degree solution, just joke around by using statements such as:
You are supposed to get me a match and you have not managed to do it, bad job!!
When god was making pairs in heaven, I was out taking a stroll in the heavenly garden
I am trying sooo hard, I am sooo miserable but I don’t find any proper match
PS: Reminds me, one of my bosses had asked me once that how have I managed to stay unmarried?
My response is a secret though but it makes me smile.
Coming back to the topic, if the jokes don’t work, second degree solution is sit and rationalize the decision making with them…..repeatedly.
If that too does not work, third degree solution is reduce the interaction, no other way. Do NOT get married just because your parents want you to get married.
3. Loneliness
We humans are social animals, we of course need people around but the degree to which we need people around differs from person to person.
For example, I have a friend who needs companionship for everything, companionship is like oxygen for him. When he and I met, he was ready to marry me within 2 months since he ‘believed’ that I am an epitome of companionship.
People sometimes are so scared of being alone that they just run around like frantic chickens looking for a mate. Marriage is considered as a permanent solution to fighting loneliness but marriage comes with a lot of strings too, have you thought about that too?
Just take a step back, breathe and think, will being ‘just friends’ or ‘best friends’ satisfy your need to tackle loneliness? If yes, then there is no reason to get married. There are so many other ways of tackling loneliness. I too suffer from loneliness sometimes, it is normal since I am an ambivert. You have to try to deal with it in a healthy manner. I sit, talk and connect with people as friends, you should find out what helps you
4. Need to reproduce
God gave us these really awesome but annoying hormones which drive the need to reproduce. You can’t really fight them off however getting married just to have babies does not make sense. This is 21st century, you can adopt or go for surrogacy.
One the same lines, people consider that having babies is a good solution to fixing marital problems. It is good, if the couple wants to stick around no matter what however if the couple is not sure if they want to stay together then do NOT have babies. Do not have babies if you are not capable of providing a healthy environment to a child. So many children get emotionally damaged due to parental discord and this cycle of emotional baggage continues unless the children get counselled, which Indians (atleast) not like to get done.
Having discussed about some of the reasons above. I want to discuss about arranged marriage setup too.
Arranged marriages are still quite prevalent and they are good however one has to take a calculated decision there. There are so many people who just get married after meeting the person once or twice. This setup works if the bride and the groom are very traditional or probably living in a village, they will stick together, uphold ‘Indian sanskar’, no matter what. However, I don’t understand why would people living in the cities, the educated class would get married like this? At least meet, talk and date the person for a month or two.
I don’t want to preach but PLEASE marry for the right reasons and marry a person, you are VERY sure about. There is no hurry, you can just date and then take a decision. I have done my share of mistakes too. I have accepted marriage proposals twice in my life and then backed off (like a run-away bride) for various valid reasons. Thankfully I had friends who shook me up at the right time and advised me. I am just trying to spread the sentiment and reiterate the importance of good decision making. Hope it helps, please forward it along if you think someone needs to read this.